It's Not Even Halloween-This is Ten Kinds of Lame

So, some bumming news. I'm not going away for the holidays this year--none of them, not Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Year's. Turns out my vacation leave does not kick in until I've been at Sunnydale Library for six months (probation period, you know). And so I am here, in Southern California, while my sisters and mother and grandparents and god only knows how many friends are feasting on turkey and stuffing in Florida.

It's not the worst thing in the world. I've already had an invitation to a colleague's home for Thanksgiving dinner. I am debating cooking dinner here at Chez Ghetto and having some people over. There are my cousins in San Pedro, who will no doubt throw a shitfit if they find out I am family-less at Thanksgiving. (Hi Lynne!) There's Alexis in Riverside. Lots of options, and I am one lucky bitch.

And then there's Christmas. I've already been invited to spend Christmas with Alexis's family, which is probably what I will end up doing. And anyway, I should probably pass this holiday quietly, contemplating and mourning and yes, giving thanks. Perhaps "austerity" is the word I am looking for. Maybe I am supposed to mark the passing of this year in a quiet, understated manner, in stark contrast to last holiday season. Last holidays, I thought I was surrounded by family. I thought my future was laid out before me, a set and clear path. Lots of celebrating, and all that jazz. This year, it's different. And different is not bad.

But "I'll be home for Christmas" is going to be the song I avoid this year.

A Midnight Ramble...

For four years, I worked at a toy store in Florida. As you can probably imagine, these years were marked by the Holiday Seasons, in which rabid parents duked it out for Elmo or Furbies or Nintendos, and we worked till three and four o'clock in the morning, and barely had the time to think of our own Christmas plans. We spent the majority of the year psyching ourselves up for November and December, and it was an adrenaline rush, and kinda cool. In September and October, I'd start dreaming about the toy store at Christmas, and I would always, always wake up wondering, "How the hell is it almost the holiday season again? How could a year have passed?" But I didn't really mind, because, hey, I like Christmas.

Yeah, that's right. I like Christmas. I don't really give a hoot about the religious end of it--my NeoPagan ass couldn't care less, in all honesty. But I love the decorations, the yummy food, the lucious wrapping paper wrapping carefully-selected gifts for my loved ones, the (hopefully) cold weather, the parties, the traditions, and yes, I even love the sappy Christmas carols. Even the religious ones. But Christmas is a double-edged sword...I love it, but since I am a sentimental sap, I always find myself thinking about the past year, the people I have lost over the years. Especially coming up to the New Year, I begin to think about all the wrong turns and mistakes and all.

And the other day, as I was lurking around a department store, I happened across a Christmas display. Decked-out trees, tacky Christmas villages mechanically playing Christmas tubes, twinkling lights. It's not even Halloween, and already, it's Christmas! Perhaps, some other year, I'd just squee and get excited, but not this year. Not after all that has transpired since last Christmas, not after the battles won and the dreams lost. I'm not ready for it to be the holidays, plain and simple. It just can't be that time of year, already!

I'm in a good place, in all senses of the word. I guess it's just that this is so not where I planned to be when I was dreaming of my future, last Christmas. I mean, I expected to be engaged by the end of this year. I thought I'd be living in a townhouse in Broad Ripple, and all that jazz. And the reality could not be more different...I am living in Southern California and am decidedly unengaged. I'm far, far away from that happy little Indiana life I had concocted for myself. And that's okay. I like where I am at--I love my friends, and my cats, and my job. It's just a little disturbing to think that already, almost a year has passed since that time when I thought life could not be better.

I guess life really can't get better when you are dreaming and imagining that things couldn't get better, and thus divert yourself from the reality.

So, soon it will be Christmas. And I'll be sad, and happy, and somehow I'll find a way to reconcile these emotions, and I'll find a way to confront the fact that yeah, life changed this last year, but that's just what life does. What it boils down to is that time passes regardless of whether or not I roll with it, so I may as well roll with it and be happy.

The lesson of the day: It's possible to rejoice in where you are in your life, but mourn the way you got here. No regrets, of course, but some honest sadness. And then we move on.

And eat Christmas cookies.