Midnight Nonsense

I haven't been posting a lot lately--and funnily enough, it's not because I have nothing to talk about. On the contrary, there are plenty of events, interactions, conversations, emotions upon which I could reflect. I could talk about how I went kayaking for the first time the other day, and surprised myself with how well I took to it. I could talk about how I swam in the Pacific Ocean for the first time in my life, and dove into the waves and let the icy waves buffet me about as I thrilled in the sensuality of it. I could talk about how I saw the Milky Way for the first time, and felt as though I were more aware of myself and my place in this swirling chaos than I had been aware of in a very long time. I could talk about how, last Sunday, I was so tired and lonely and homesick (homesick for where, exactly?) and yet somehow managed to find the courage to show my vulnerability to one of my Riverside mates, who opened up her home and washing machine to me, and drew me a bath and passed me one of her beautiful bathrobes and treated me better than I have remembered to treat myself in a while. I could talk at length about any of these events, but it's late, and my eyelids are drooping and my mind is racing. The longer I spend in Southern California, the more I edge away from the shallow end of the pool and venture out into the darkened depths of the unknown--my career, my emotional terrain, my personal relationships, all of them lie further out, further than I have ever swum before. My heart is full, and growing larger all the time, and my mind is swirling with all of the thoughts and emotions that plague someone as analytical and self-aware as I. I'm staring all of this down, trying to process it, trying not to shut down emotionally. Trying to gather the courage to plunge into whatever life I am brave enough to forge for myself, and all the while wanting nothing more than to head for the hills and not look back.

Problem is, with a heart as big as mine, there's no running. There's only courage, often times faltering, and sometimes silence, as I try to process something new. The only way out is through. But for now, sleep. Tomorrow's another day--another day of courage, another day of forging ahead, making my life as happy and right as I can.