I hear voices

Not literally, thank god. 'Cause that would suck, royally. But there's been this voice in my head, for a very long time. Back during my Indiana years, my heaven-sent talk therapist helped me to identify it as my "fear voice." I am pretty sure that everyone has a fear voice. And it is not only part of their life, it is part of them.

My fear voice is one of the many things that compose my identity. It's the voice that is always there, at the back of my mind, positively (or, perhaps I should say, negatively) screaming whenever I undertake...well, anything. It's the voice that screams "what's the point? You'll never be good enough/creative enough/attractive enough/driven enough/patient enough." Whenever I want to do something, that voice is there, nay-saying me. It was there tonight, when I was trying to play around with some of my art supplies.

"What's the point? You can't even coordinate these colored papers and cardstocks! Forget layering them in an attractive and original way!"

"What's the point? You can't even successfully lift a design from someone else, let alone come up with an original sketch all your own!"

"What's the point? You can't even master techniques with tutorials, let alone come up with your own variations on the same! Let alone think up an entirely new technique with different mediums!"

"What's the point? You can't even teach yourself or learn the technical skills of drawing, of shading, or color blending! Forget trying to render an original work!"

Hello, world. Welcome to my head, where it's a veritable feast of ugliness day after day. Is it merely a subconscious, self-inflicted cop-out, to keep myself from trying or doing anything new?

My sisters and I have this quirk--we have this thing, where we don't like to try or do anything new without being GREAT at it immediately. We don't want to make the mistakes, smudge the paper, muddle the paints, miss the pitch. We just want to be perfect at it, without even trying. Practice makes perfect, but we'll be damned if we do that. Only, it does not work like that. (Damn the logic, anyway). But...what if you practice and still don't get perfect? Or what if you are perfect at the technique but still don't have the originality to do your own thing with it

But...maybe it should not matter if it is any good, either immediately or after three years of trying. Maybe it should just matter that I did it at all. That I tried. That I kept on keepin' on. But is that enough to shut that voice up?