2007 Better Watch Out

There's an odd feeling inside of me that tells me that this is going to be a good year. I have no idea why I feel like this. I thought the same thing about 2006, and I thought I had every reason to feel like that. Stable relationship that was heading towards an engagement, an impending move to Indianapolis, everything seemed certain. This year, I have no reason to feel secure in anything; there are no certainties in my life beyond my own determination to be okay, to stay alive and thriving no matter what happens. Maybe it's that determination that is giving me the conviction that this year will be a good one. Maybe that determination is all I need for 2007 to be successful...

It's an improvement over last year, at least. Last year, I got a little...broken. Lost myself, and maybe would have stayed lost if it were not for the love, care, and loyalty of a lot of friends and even a few strangers. And the sad thing about my broken state was that it was my own damned fault, 100% entirely. I mean, sure, I didn't break up with myself in the middle of the student union (hi Mikey! You didn't think because it's a new year, I'd let it rest, did you?) but I could have handled things a lot better than I did. I could have prevented myself from being that vulnerable and stupid and and emotionally dependent, so that I wasn't left a devastated bundle of heartache and neuroses.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

And it's okay now, really it is. I'm not particularly proud of that little (wee! really quite tiny!!) period in my life, but it's over, and it had its uses. It got me here, both emotionally and physically, and Here is a better place. Not like a heaven-kind of better place, but maybe somewhere in the middle. I am in a cheap apartment in Southern California, with a job that makes a difference to some people, and I have got courage and resourcefulness and a lot of self-awareness. I've got a lot of goals for 2007, but really, at the end of the day (year, actually) there is only one goal that really matters, one thing I will strive for unceasingly: more emotional self-reliance. I have developed a lot of it over this past year, but the Old Me, she still lurks, wanting someone to choose to be with her, to justify and validate her existence, to prove to the world that she is a worthy woman.

I don't ever want to see or interact with the Old Me again. I don't ever want to become so emotionally dependent on someone that if I were to lose them, I would become non-functional. That happened to me once, and I went to a very unpretty place, and I never want to go back there again. 2007 is going to be a damned good year because I am the only one who can make it that for me, and I have every intention of making that happen. I won't be looking to anyone else to help make it come to fruition. Just me.